By Richard Peterson
Writing in the Traill County Tribune at Mayville, Myrna Lyng told of a list of "The World’s Shortest Books." Here are some of the books on that list:
"My Plan to Find the Real Killers"
by O.J. Simpson.
"101 Spotted Owl Recipes" by the EPA.
"Gun Safety" by Dick Cheney.
"Beauty Secrets" by Janet Reno.
"Tolerance" by Jerry Fallwell.
"EZ Spelling" by Dan Quayle.
"The Path to Bipartisanship" by Sarah Palin.
"Al Gore: The Wild Years."
"Human Rights Advances in China."
"Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean."
"Healthy Fast Food."
"Everything Men Know About Women."
"Everything Women Know About Men."
"Detroit — A Travel Guide."
"Career Opportunities for History Majors."
"Strom Thurmond: Intelligent Quotes."
"America’s Most Popular Lawyers."
"Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches."
"The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion."
"George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names."
In case you didn’t know, Foreman has 11 children and each of his five sons are named George: George Jr., George III, George IV, George V and George VI.
FARM KID IN THE ARMY
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed ’til nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different.
A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.
They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from the first squad. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6’ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8’ and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Three absent-minded professors were talking together in a railroad station. They got so interested in what they were saying that they didn’t notice the train had pulled out. As the conductor sang out "all aboard," they looked up, startled, and dashed for the train.
Two of them managed to hop on the train, but the third didn’t make it.
As he stood sadly watching the train disappear into the distance a man tried to cheer him up, saying, "You shouldn’t feel too bad. Two out of three made it, and that’s a pretty good average."
The professor shook his head and said, "But they came to see me off."
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe three years old. Someone had given me a little tea set and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of "tea," which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea because it was just the cutest thing.
Mom waited and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it down.
Then she said (as only a mother would know), "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"