By Richard Peterson
I got this in an e-mail from a reader:
Here is the Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary and alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supplying a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee, (n.): The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, (adj.): Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, (v.): To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, (v.): To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, (adj.): Impotent.
6. Negligent, (adj.): Absent-mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, (v.): To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, (n.): Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, (n.): Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, (n.): A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, (n.): A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, (n.): The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, (n.): A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, (n.): A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, (n.): The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, (n.): An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Here’s some more stuff I got by e-mail:
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine-eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine-eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn . . . I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police.