1/13/2010 – Editorials


By Richard Peterson

This interesting column was written by Myrna Lyng of Mayville for the Kelly newspapers (Mayville, Lisbon and Casselton):

Uff-da! I have the feeling that it’s going to take a bit longer than usual to get over Christmas. The "quieting down" and getting back into a normal routine, I mean. We didn’t see the last batch of family until December 29, so the fun went on and on. As someone said, Mother Nature and Father Christmas had a tussle and Father Christmas lost, thus we were bombarded with tons and tons of snow and momentous change of plans.

The bad weather surely convinced us that we needed to be flexible, have Plan B, roll with the punches, take things as they come, be prepared and any other clich? you can think of.

Well, all of this is a precursor to saying that with so much going on I didn’t have any time to think (again). However, after my sister-in-law read my column about exotic dog breeds, she reminded me of that old thing about "if so-and-so married so-and-so, her name would be . . ."

So! I found that old list and I must admit it was humorous to recall some of the combinations. Now in order to "get" some of these wedded pairings, you might have to be of a certain age, or say them aloud. Anyway.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she’d be Ella Vader.

If Barbara Hershey married John Candy then divorced him to marry Roseanne Barr, she’d be Barbara Hershey Candy Barr.

If comedienne Kaye Ballard married astronaut Wally Schirra, divorced him and then re-married him, she’d be Kaye Schirra Schirra.

See? You get it, don’t you?

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she’d be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Luis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Ali McGraw married Muhammed Ali, divorced him to marry folk singer Hoyt Axton, divorced him to marry basketball player World B. Free, she’d be Ali Ali Axton Free.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he’d be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Javier Lopez married Keiko the Whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the Elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

If Ida Lupino married Don Ho, she’d be Ida Ho.

If Jack Handy ("SNL" writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he’d be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

Nog (related to Quark on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he’d be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Wanda Landowska married Howard Hughes, then divorced him and married Henry Kissinger, she’d be Wanda Hughes Kissinger now.

Well, this whole thing is silly, of course. Howard Hughes was such a recluse that who could ever find him to marry him in the first place?

(Go ahead, groan.)

Furthermore, if you’ve ever seen pictures of some of these people, you’d wonder how they ever hooked up at all. In a sort of convoluted way (this column is going nowhere anyway, so in for a penny, in for a pound), this whole "unlikely pairings" thing reminds me of the celebrated discussion between the playwright George Bernard Shaw and the famous dancer Isadora Duncan. It is said that Duncan wrote to Shaw that good eugenics indicated they should have a child together. "Think of it! With my body and your brains, what a wonder it would be," she said.

Shaw replied, "Yes, but what if it had my body and your brains?"

Well, except for that last part about Duncan and Bernard Shaw, this whole thing is totally made up by some screwball(s) sitting around with nothing to do but think up silliness. I, for one, am glad he (they) did.

What a dull world it would be if people couldn’t play with words and images.

In the spirit of the season, I’ll leave you with one more: If Aretha Franklin married Buddy Holly, she’d be — you guessed it — Aretha Holly.


Leave a Comment