By Richard Peterson
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches in Las Vegas than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect and separate the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks. You didn’t even see it coming, did you?
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much smarter then men.
Here are some investment tips for 2008 for all of you with any money left. Here are some expected mergers so you can get in on the ground floor and make some big bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2008:
1) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.R.
Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2) Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers will join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker?
3). 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMM Good.
4) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5). FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS and become: FedUp.
6) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
7) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become: Knott NOW!
9) And finally . . . Victoria’s Secret and Smith and Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang.
From the e-mails come these truisms for pilots and military personnel:
"If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush." — Infantry Journal "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." — Joe Gay "Don’t draw enemy fire; it irritates the people around you."
"Any ship can be a minesweeper once."
"If you see an Air Force bomb technician running, follow him."
"You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3." — Paul F.
Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire."
Blue water Navy truism: "There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
From an old carrier sailor: "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it’s probably a helicopter — and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if ATC screws up . . . the pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S…!"
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to complete the flight successfully."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag to store dead batteries."
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." — attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) "A pilot who doesn’t have any fear probably isn’t flying his plane to its maximum." — Jon McBride, astronaut "If you’re faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible." — Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot) "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit." — Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." — Sign over squadron operations desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, Ariz., 1970 "If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to."
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
It is much more difficult to fly there."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?"
The pilot’s reply, "I don’t know, I just got here myself!" — attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)