7/18/2007 – Editorials
By Richard Peterson
From the e-mails come these quotes on marriage:
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
— David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
— Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
— Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
— Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
— Alexander Dumas
The great question . . . which I have not been able to answer . . .
is, ‘What does a woman want?’
— Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
— Anonymous
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
— Henny Youngman
I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
— Sam Kinison
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
— James Holt McGavran
I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.
— Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it. 2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
— Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
— Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
— Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
— Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
— Anonymous
A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted.’ Next day he received 100 letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’
— Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): My wife’s an angel!
Second Guy: You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.
—000—
From the e-mails come these insults with class:
He had delusions of adequacy.
— Walter Kerr
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
— Winston Churchill
A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
— Winston Churchill
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
— Clarence Darrow
He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
— William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?
— Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
— Abraham Lincoln
I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
— Mark Twain
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
— Oscar Wilde
I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend . . . if you have one.
— George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second . . . if there is one.
— Winston Churchill
in response
I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.
— Stephen Bishop
He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
— John Bright
I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.
— Irvin S. Cobb
He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
— Samuel Johnson
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.
— Paul Keating
There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.
— Jack E. Leonard
He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.
— Robert Redford
They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.
— Thomas Brackett Reed
In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
— Count Talleyrand
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
— Forrest Tucker
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
— Mark Twain
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
— Mae West
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
— Oscar Wilde
He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts . . . for support rather than illumination.
— Andrew Lang
He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.
— Billy Wilder
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
— Groucho Marx
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."