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7/18/2007 – Editorials

By Richard Peterson

From the e-mails come these quotes on marriage:

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

— David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

— Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.

— Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

— Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

— Alexander Dumas

The great question . . . which I have not been able to answer . . .

is, ‘What does a woman want?’

— Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

— Anonymous

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

— Henny Youngman

I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

— Sam Kinison

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.

— James Holt McGavran

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.

— Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it. 2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.

— Ogden Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

— Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

— Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

— Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

— Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

— Anonymous

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted.’ Next day he received 100 letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’

— Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): My wife’s an angel!

Second Guy: You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.


From the e-mails come these insults with class:

He had delusions of adequacy.

— Walter Kerr

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

— Winston Churchill

A modest little person, with much to be modest about.

— Winston Churchill

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.

— Clarence Darrow

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.

— William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?

— Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

— Abraham Lincoln

I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

— Mark Twain

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

— Oscar Wilde

I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend . . . if you have one.

— George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second . . . if there is one.

— Winston Churchill

in response

I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.

— Stephen Bishop

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.

— John Bright

I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.

— Irvin S. Cobb

He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.

— Samuel Johnson

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.

— Paul Keating

There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.

— Jack E. Leonard

He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.

— Robert Redford

They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.

— Thomas Brackett Reed

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.

— Count Talleyrand

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.

— Forrest Tucker

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

— Mark Twain

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.

— Mae West

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

— Oscar Wilde

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts . . . for support rather than illumination.

— Andrew Lang

He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.

— Billy Wilder

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

— Groucho Marx

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."


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