Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the head nurse director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news."
"The good news is you’re being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind.
"The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I’m so sorry, but he’s dead."
Edna replied, "He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
And now, didja ever wonder —
How important does a person have to be before he or she is considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in". . . but it’s only "a penny for your thoughts?" Where’s that extra penny going?
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up something like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Why do people pay to go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse legally drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Do the alphabet song and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) is not just an athlete . . . she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It was causing too much confusion whenever she would answer the phone.
When the phone rang and she answered she would say "Hello, Picabo, I.C.U."
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn’t matter," she said. "Just get out."
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
A Polish immigrant went to the motor vehicle department to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eye test. The tester showed him a card with the letters ‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’
"Can you read this?" the tester asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I’m so tired of chardonay."