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2/8/2006 – Editorials

By Richard Peterson

The Republican-dominated US Senate in October defeated two proposals to increase the federal minimum wage from $5.15 to $6.25 per hour.
All the Democrats and four Republicans voted for the increase. I can only conclude that the vast majority of Republicans feel $5.15 per hour is plenty.
US senators draw salaries of $162,100 a year and enjoy a raft of perks.
Here are some quotes that came to us over the Internet:
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
— Lillian Carter
(mother of President Jimmy Carter and Billy Carter) I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
— Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
— Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
— George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
— Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
— Mark Twain
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir . . . mighty scarce.
— Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
— Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
— Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
— Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
— Alex Levine
Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
— Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
— Ed Furgol
Money can’t buy you happiness . . . but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
— Spike Milligan
What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.
— Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires.
— Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.
— Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
— Herbert Henry Asquith
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
— Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
— WC Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
— Will Rogers
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation . . . as you grow older, it will avoid you.
— Winston Churchill
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty . . . but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
— Phyllis Diller
The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good spit it out.
— Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
— Unknown
Be careful of your tongue: It’s kept in a wet place and could easily slip.
— Unknown
"Hello, is this here the sheriff’s office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I’m calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He’s drillin’ holes in his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!"
"Thank you very much for the call, Sir."
The next day, the sheriff and his deputies descend on Virgil’s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil’s house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd.
Did the sheriff come?"
"Did they split yer farwood?"
"Happy birthday, Buddy!"

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