By Richard Peterson
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied he’d rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number."
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what’s with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
A Tennessee state trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, " ‘Bout whut?"
The sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pickup into the ditch.
The sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That’s why I dumpin’ it here, ’cause it says:
‘Fine For Dumping Garbage’."
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving to the North.
Why Men Are Happier
Men are happier people — what do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress, $5,000. Tux rental, $100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
More Burma-Shave ditties:
Drinking drivers —
They put the quart
Before the hearse
Men with whiskers
‘Neath their noses
Oughta have to kiss
Said farmer Brown
Who’s bald on top
Wish I could
Rotate the crop
Don’t try passing
On a slope
Unless you have
When you can’t see
May get you a glimpse
Don’t leave safety
To mere chance
That’s why belts
Are sold with pants
At a quiz
Pa ain’t No whiz
But he knows how
To keep Ma his
down the hatch
And coughed him up
Because he scratched.
Was such a boom
And kissed the groom
Kept his chin
He might have found
A lady Friday