6/10/2009 – Editorials


By Richard Peterson

For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here’s a quick lesson in the history of the 1930’s and 40’s.

Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old two-lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers’ fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Each message consisted of five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing one line of a four-line couplet, followed by the obligatory fifth sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.

Here are some of the actual signs:

DON’T STICK YOUR ELBOW

OUT SO FAR

IT MAY GO HOME

IN ANOTHER CAR

Burma Shave

 

TRAINS DON’T WANDER

ALL OVER THE MAP

‘CAUSE NOBODY SITS

IN THE ENGINEER’S LAP

Burma Shave

 

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH

BY MISTAKE

SHE THOUGHT IT WAS

HER HUSBAND JAKE

Burma Shave

 

DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD

TO GAIN A MINUTE

YOU NEED YOUR HEAD

YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT

Burma Shave

 

DROVE TOO LONG

DRIVER SNOOZING

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

IS NOT AMUSING

Burma Shave

 

BROTHER SPEEDER

LET’S REHEARSE

ALL TOGETHER

GOOD MORNING, NURSE

Burma Shave

 

CAUTIOUS RIDER

TO HER RECKLESS DEAR

LET’S HAVE LESS BULL

AND A LITTLE MORE STEER

Burma Shave

 

SPEED WAS HIGH

WEATHER WAS NOT

TIRES WERE THIN

X MARKS THE SPOT

Burma Shave

 

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE

OF PAUL FOR BEER

LED TO A WARMER

HEMISPHERE

Burma Shave

 

AROUND THE CURVE

LICKETY-SPLIT

BEAUTIFUL CAR

WASN’T IT?

Burma Shave

 

NO MATTER THE PRICE

NO MATTER HOW NEW

THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE

IN THE CAR IS YOU

Burma Shave

 

A GUY WHO DRIVES

A CAR WIDE OPEN

IS NOT THINKIN’

HE’S JUST HOPIN’

Burma Shave

 

AT INTERSECTIONS

LOOK EACH WAY

A HARP SOUNDS NICE

BUT IT’S HARD TO PLAY

Burma Shave

 

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL

EYES ON THE ROAD

THAT’S THE SKILLFUL

DRIVER’S CODE

Burma Shave

 

THE ONE WHO DRIVES

WHEN HE’S BEEN DRINKING

DEPENDS ON YOU

TO DO HIS THINKING

Burma Shave

 

CAR IN DITCH

DRIVER IN TREE

THE MOON WAS FULL

AND SO WAS HE.

Burma Shave

 

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE

TAKE IT SLOW

LET OUR LITTLE

SHAVERS GROW

Burma Shave

 

Do these bring back any old memories? If not, you’re merely a child.

If they do — then you’re old as dirt . . . like me!

—000—

Questions and answers from an AARP forum:

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: ‘And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt.’

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year-old husband?

A: Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year-old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year-olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year-olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year-olds when they enter antique stores?

A: ‘Gosh, I remember these.’

Smile, you’ve still got your sense of humor, right?

 


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