By Richard Peterson
Here are some amusing quotes that came to me by e-mail:
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.
Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.
Men occasionally stumble on the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
–Sir Winston Churchill
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
–Sir Winston Churchill
An atheist is a guy who watches a Notre Dame-SMU football game and doesn’t care who wins.
–Dwight D. Eisenhower
I don’t like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves.
Of course there’s a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don’t take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates.
–Dr. A. Lawrence Lowell
A conservative is a man who wants the rules changed so no one can make a pile the way he did.
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it.
I belong to no organized political party — I am a Democrat.
Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.
He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.
–George Bernard Shaw
In America, anyone can become president. That’s one of the risks you take.
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
A great many open minds should be closed for repairs.
–Toledo Blade Newspaper
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
–Lilly Tomlin, actress, author and comedian I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.
Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.
Let us be thankful for fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
July 4. Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days of the year put together. This proves, by the number left in stock, that one fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so.
–Mark Twain, from
It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn’t a dentist. It produced a false impression.
–Oscar Wilde, from
The Importance of Being Earnest
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away . .
. Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?"
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it had just died. He works on it for a few minutes and it is idling smoothly. She says, "What’s the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river and then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible!" says the doctor, "Show me." The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left shoulder and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams even more. She pushes her knee and screams again. Likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You’re not really a redhead, are you?"
"Well, no," she says, "I’m actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious of his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT’S A SCARF!"
A Russian, an American and a blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The blonde said, "So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the blonde replied, "We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!"
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO . . ." answered the blond. "They’re watch dogs!"