By Richard Peterson
The older we get, the more likely we will be afflicted with dementia.
It’s that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it’s important that we keep mentally alert. The saying, "If you don’t use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so . . .
What follows is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the following test and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it."
Okay, relax, clear your mind and . . . begin. WELL, MAYBE NOT THAT CLEAR!
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "Bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate, such as Children’s World. If you said "water" then proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks,"
what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions?????
If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.
4. It’s 20 years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man’s land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors?
East Germany or West Germany or in "no man’s land"?
Answer: You don’t, of course, bury survivors.
If you said anything else, you are a real dunce and you must never try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don’t bury the survivors," then proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator — You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swenson, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don’t you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
This is for grandparents . . .
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before.
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye!!
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me happy birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old ask with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?"
"You’re both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What’s it about?" he asked.
"I don’t know," she replied. "I can’t read."
7. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
8. When my grandson, Melvin and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I’m not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "Mine says I’m four to six."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That’s interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It’s simple," replied the girl. "You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’."
11. Children’s logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant,"
said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.
"Don’t you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
12. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He’s just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants!"