By Richard Peterson
Tough times have brought about new office policy.
1. You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
4. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays and Sundays.
Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
These unanswered questions sound like something the late George Carlin would have asked:
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE.
2. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
4. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
6. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
7. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
9. If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea . . . does that mean that one enjoys it?
10. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
11. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
12. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
13. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
14. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . . they’re cramming for their final exam.
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the post office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps?
17. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
18. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
19. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
20. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
21. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
22. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice that when you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS"?