11/5/2008 – Editorials
By Richard Peterson
Check www.bensoncountynews.com to see the results of the race for county commissioner in the 4th District and a few other vote totals.
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Here are some sensible observations which came by way of an e-mail:
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather — who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
–Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin"
and "Keep away from children."
–Author Unknown
3) Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called Everybody, and its members meet at the bar.
–Drew Carey
4) The problem with the designated driver program is that it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
–Jeff Foxworthy
5) If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.
–Dave Barry
6) Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, he or she should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay the day before they leave and they should have to find you a temp.
–Bob Ettinger
7) My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim."
–Paula Poundstone
8) A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
–Conan O’Brien
9) Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God . . . I could be eating a slow learner.
–Lynda Montgomery
10) I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west."
–Richard Jeni
11) If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
–Johnny Carson
12) Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
–Paul Rodriguez
13) My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
–Jerry Seinfeld
14) Remember in elementary school you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? Do tall people burn slower?
–Warren Hutcherson
15) Bigamy is having one wife or husband too many. Monogamy is the same.
–Oscar Wilde
16) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . but I repeat myself.
–Mark Twain
17) Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.
–A. Whitney Brown
18) You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!"
–Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
— Unknown, presumed
deceased
20) Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
–W. C. Fields
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Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and, as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected.
I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works!