By Richard Peterson
I found this amusing item in Neal Shipman’s column in the McKenzie County Farmer at Watford City:
If you don’t already know, there is a fundamental difference between men and women. There have been hundreds of books written, most of which have never been read, offering men advice on how to interact better with women. And there have been millions of books written, and mostly well read, offering advice to women on how to change their husbands or boyfriends.
While the authors of the books have no doubt made considerable sums of money championing their thoughts on why men and women are different, in most cases the advice doesn’t work.
Why? Because there is a fundamental difference between men and women that probably never will be solved. That basic difference no doubt existed between cavemen and cavewomen, and many of those same differences will probably exist 1,000 years from now.
I recently received an e-mail that spelled out a few of those differences that I hope you enjoy as much as I did.
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-Eyes.
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a
$2 item that she doesn’t need, but it’s on sale.
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel from a hotel. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book and to get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
This one came from Allen Stock’s column in The Independent at Carrington:
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and put it on in the restroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they pressed their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided something had to be done. She called all the girls to the restroom and met them with the maintenance man.
She explained that all those lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers . . . and then there are educators.
Kids explain the Bible:
In the first book of the Bible, Guinnesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the sabbath off.
Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.
Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
The Golden Rule says do one to others before they do one to you.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.