4/30/2008 – Editorials

Official thought is that Devils Lake will not rise this summer. Maybe it won’t, maybe it will. It all depends on the weather and nobody can predict the weather more than five days in the future with any degree of accuracy.

In 1993 the Minnewaukan area got almost six inches of rain in July on top of almost six inches in June. That’s far above normal and the lake responded by rising dramatically. It could happen again. Or, maybe we won’t get much rain and the lake will fall in 2008. That could happen, too, but it wouldn’t necessarily mean that we’re at the end of the wet cycle. When we have five or 10 years of less moisture than we’ve been having the past 15 years, we can say with some confidence that the wet cycle is over.

Don’t pay any attention to these silly predictions of what the lake is going to do. It will do what the weather commands it to do.

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There are fewer than eight months until the election, an election that will decide who will be the next president of the United States.

The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans. To show our solidarity as Americans, let’s all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice. It’s time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike.

If you support the policies and character of Obama or Hillary, please drive with your headlights on during the day. If you support John McCain, please drive with your headlights off at night.

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The Demographics of American Newspapers:

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand the big words in The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country — if they could find the time — and if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that it stands for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist, dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country, or galaxy, and provided of course, that they aren’t Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is stared at by people who can’t read, but who are trapped in line at the grocery store.

12. The Minneapolis Star Tribune is not really read by anyone; it is used by people who have recently caught a fish and need something in which to wrap it.

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AAA’s 2008 edition of "Your Driving Costs" shows the cost of driving a passenger vehicle in the United States has increased 1.9 cents per mile in the last year and now averages 54.1 cents per mile.

In 2008, AAA estimates it will cost $8,121 to own and operate a new passenger car driven 15,000 miles per year. This compares to $7,823 per year in 2007; or 52.2 cents per mile.

Costs for maintenance, full-coverage insurance and depreciation are all slightly lower this year. While the costs for fuel, tires, financing, license, registration and taxes showed increases.

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God Must Be Jewish

Moses died and went to Heaven. God greets him at the Pearly Gates.

"Are you hungry, Moses?" asks God.

"I could eat," Moses replies.

So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it. While partaking of this humble meal, Moses looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, briskets, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, he remains quiet.

The next day God again invites Moses to join him for a meal. Again it’s tuna and rye bread. And, again, Moses can see those denizens of Hell enjoying salmon, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still he says nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. He can’t contain himself any longer. Meekly, he says, "God, I am grateful to be here in Heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in Heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in that ‘other place’ they all eat like emperors and kings! I just don’t understand."

God sighs. "Let’s be honest," He says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"