By Richard Peterson
From the e-mails:
Did I Read That Sign Right?
In a restroom: Toilet out of order, please use floor below.
In a laundromat: Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
In a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs.
In an office: Would the person who took the stepladder yesterday, please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
In an office: After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything: bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain!
Notice in health food shop window: Closed due to illness.
Spotted in a safari park (I sure hope so): Elephants, please stay in your car.
Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
Notice in a farmer’s field: The
farmer allows walkers to cross the
field for free, but the bull charges.
Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how ;to get lessons.
On a repair shop door: We can repair anything (please knock hard on the door — the bell doesn’t work).
These questions to ponder sound like something George Carlin would ask:
If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
When dog-food has a new and improved taste, who tests it?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship it’s called cargo?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Tom was in his early 50s, retired and starting a second career.
However, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a quandry about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I’m working on it."
"Well, good. You’re a team player. That’s what I like to hear. It’s odd, though, your coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They said, ‘Good morning, General.’ "