By Richard Peterson
From the e-mails:
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Barbara, you should have remained a virgin."
— Barbara Bush
(mother of George W.)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
— Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
— Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
— George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
— Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
— Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— Groucho Marx
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
— Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
— W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
— Will Rogers
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
— Winston Churchill
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out or spread out.
— Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded all the money. Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn’t, but my wife did."
Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground, that said:
"DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE"
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
From the curve was heard screeching tires and a big splash. Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say ‘Bridge Out’?"
Pastor Bob of the Lutheran Church was asked by the husband of a sick woman if he would visit her. Pastor Bob agreed, but he really wondered why this Catholic family would want a Lutheran minister calling on her.
He did his duty and as he was leaving the house after his visit, he saw the 10-year-old son of the sick woman. He asked the boy why the family had called on a Lutheran minister.
The boy replied, "Ma thought her illness might be contagious and she didn’t want our priest to get sick."
This comes from Jason Nordmark’s column in the Turtle Mountain Star at Rolla:
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounted what he told a player who received four Fs and one D: "Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject."
"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class."
–George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach "No, but they gave one to me anyway."
–Eden Campbell, when asked if he earned a degree at Clemson University "I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
–Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note:
"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."