10/10/2007 – Editorials

This item comes from the memory of Warwick native Duke Chance. Years ago when radio was in its Golden Era and dramatic programs were often considered "theaters of the mind" The Lone Ranger was considered one of the prime offerings.

The grand finale was always the same, always! The hero, having resolved the communal distress, would mount his trusty steed and ride off, loudly encouraging it to "Hiyo Silver, hiyo away!" This was always followed by a townsperson inquiring as to the identity of this hero and another to give an answer.

During one rehearsal a matronly extra made the "who was" query and one of central casting’s modestly talented replied "Him? They call’m the Lone Ranger." The director came unglued . . . "Put some feeling into that line . . . this man has just saved the community . . . not to tell how many lives . . . he restored confidence . . . and added another chapter to the winning of the West. To these people he is second only to God and on a par with the President of the United States."

The show wound down; the lady queried the identity and the extra puffed up to answer in the most grandiose broadcast excellence . . .

"Madam that man was Herbert Hoover."

—000—

Here’s one from the e-mails that I think we’ve printed before, but it’s been some time ago:

1. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn’t concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it — mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then I tried to be a chef — figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

7. My best job was as a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patients.

9. Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn’t fit in.

10. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

11. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian — until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

15. So, I tried retirement and found that I’m perfect for the job!

—000—

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’

"I know," she said, "I’m his grandma, but I’m glad I came."

—000—

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding.

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license, please?

Older Woman: I’d give it to you, but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, four years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see . . . Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for backup. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver’s license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.