4/25/2007 – Editorials
From the e-mails come these great truths that little children have learned:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2) When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your three-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is in Grandpa’s lap.
And here are some great truths that adults have learned;
1) Rearing teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
Here are some great truths about growing old:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
—000—
At age 4 success is not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 17 success is having a driver’s licence.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 70 success is having a driver’s licence.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not piddling in your pants.
—000—
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today."
The bartender says, "Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
—000—
President Bush was visiting a primary school. One of the classes was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said the president, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I’m afraid not," explained the president. "That’s what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
President Bush searched the room. "Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. Bush, was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either."