4/11/2007 – Editorials

From the e-mails come these imponderable questions that were probably posed by comedian George Carlin:

How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

You know how most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings do Orientals throw hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished?

Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

Who is general failure and why is he reading my disk?

The light went out, but where to?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don’t have?

Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?

How come when I call information they can’t tell me where my keys are?

Why do people go to Burger King and order a Double Whopper with a large French fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Who’s bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby! Mr. Bigger’s baby because he is a little bigger!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why can’t you buy pareils, but you CAN buy nonpareils?

Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

If progress is technology moving forward, then what is Congress?

Why do we go under overpasses and over underpasses?

How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?

If the plural of "mouse" is "mice," shouldn’t the plural of "house" be "hice?"

What happens to the holes when all the cheese has been eaten?

If you put orange juice in the freezer it becomes frozen, then why when you squeeze an orange doesn’t it become squozen?

Why is there only one Monopolies commission?

Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn’t it be easier to just hire taller dancers?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Don’t think that you’re thinking. If you think that you’re thinking, you only think that you’re thinking.

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?

Why is it when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open it’s not adoor?

—000—

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.

The woman’s heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck woman smiled demurely.

Pull yourself together! she chides herself. You’re a happily married woman with three children; you’re 45 years old, not a teenager! The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other.

Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman’s direction.

When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change — but her other hand was empty. Where’s my ice cream cone?

Did I leave it in the store?

Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk’s hand or in a holder on the counter or something. But no ice cream cone was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.

His face broke into his familiar warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman, "You put it in your purse."