How would we ever fill this column without stuff like this in the e-mail inbox?
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like . . . night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
10. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple payments.
14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
15. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
16. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
18. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
25. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
26. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
27. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates . . . it’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.
Larry, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds flat AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning Larry got up really early before work.
When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and took the box into the house.
She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Larry is not yet able to have visitors.
Since St. Patrick’s Day is Saturday, here’s an old joke that we’ve printed before, but it still makes me laugh:
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am."
The first guy says, "So am I. And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I’m from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begorra, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith and it’s a small world, so did I. So did I. And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let’s see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shakes his head and mutters, "It’s going to be a long night tonight."
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
There are always two ways to look at everything, I guess.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and we kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since."
"My God!" said my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"