2/28/2007 – Editorials
From the e-mails come some amazingly simple medical and home remedies:
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be too afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
8. Chapped lips? Rub chicken poop on them. It won’t ease the chapping, but it will keep you from licking them.
9. Sometimes we just need to remember what the rules of life really are. You only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
And finally . . . remember: people seem normal until you get to know them.
One out of every four people suffer from a mental disorder. If you have three friends and none of them have a problem . . . well . . .
you do the math.
And here’s some advice on calling the police when you need them:
George Phillips of Meridian, Miss. was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no." Then the dispatcher said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an armed response unit and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you’d shot them!"
George replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park. A man walked over and sat down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" said the woman. "So you’re single . . ."
Two other elderly people lived in Trailer Estates. He was a widower and she a widow. They’d known each other for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration she answered, "Yes.
Yes, I will."
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective trailers.
The next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?" He couldn’t remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘yes’ or did you say ‘no’?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, ‘Yes. Yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me."