2/7/2007 – Editorials

E-mail stuff:

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim!

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for the cigars lost in the "fires."

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

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Here are some e-mailed quotes that probably are true:

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

— Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. On Sept. 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

–Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life."

— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."

–Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."

— Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC

"I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

— Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"Half this game is 90 percent mental."

— Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark "It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

— Al Gore, Vice President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

–Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

— Dan Quayle

"We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

— Lee Iacocca

"The word ‘genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

— Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst "We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

— Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

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More e-mail stuff:

You know you’re living in 2007 when . . .

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played Solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You send e-mail to the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. You’re reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull into your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is at home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a Web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.

11. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

12. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

13. You’re too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

And now you’re laughing at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to. You can copy it from www.bensoncountynews.com

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Sven was out shopping in the mall when he met his friend Ole outside the jewelry store. Ole noticed that Sven had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.

"So vat have you just purchased, Sven?" Ole asks.

"Vell, now that you’ve asked," replies Sven, "it’s my Lena’s birthday tomorrow and I asked her this morning vat she vanted for her birthday. She said, ‘Oh, I don’t know, dear, yust give me something vit diamonds in it.’ "

"So vhat did you get her?" Ole asks.

Sven replied, smiling, "I bought her a deck of cards."