By Richard Peterson
From the e-mails:
Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that Mr. Fenton go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse.
Here’s a letter sent to Mrs. Fenton from the store.
Dear Mrs. Fenton: Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: He set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: He walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in Housewares . . . and watched what happened.
5. Aug. 4: He went to the service desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s on lay away.
6. Sept 14: He moved a CAUTION – WET FLOOR sign to a carpeted area.
7. Sept. 15: He set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. Sept. 23: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can’t you people just leave me alone?"
9. Oct. 4: He looked right into the security camera, used it as a mirror and picked his nose.
10. Nov. 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.
11. Dec. 3: He darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. Dec. 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.
13. Dec. 18: He hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. Dec. 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, "NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!"
15. Dec. 23: He went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled loudly, "There’s no toilet paper in here!"
Here’s another e-mail item. The author is not given, but these sure look like questions comedian George Carlin would ask:
Christmas — What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why do you press harder on the buttons on a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If all the world’s a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Doesn’t "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why do we sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" when we are already there?
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why do we say some thing is "out of whack?" What is a whack?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all 10 of his finkers.
He vent to da emergency room in the clinik and vhen he got dare da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let’s have da finkers and I’ll see vhat I can do."
Ole said, "I haven’t got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen’t got da finkers?" he said. "Lord — it’s 2006 and I’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn’t you brink da finkers?"
Ole says . . . "How vas I suppose to pick dem up?