By Richard Peterson
Don’t bother writing a letter to the editor on any issue or candidate for next week’s issue unless you’re ready to write a check to pay for it as regular advertising. We do this in the interests of fairness because there would be no opportunity for a rebuttal. We also will not accept any "attack" ads for the Nov. 1 issue for the same reason.
Because the Farmers Press is printed early Tuesdays, there will be no results of the election in our November 8 issue. We will try to get the results of election contests on our Web site by 12 noon or earlier on November 8. The address is www.bensoncountynews.com. You should be familiar with the Web site because that’s where you can view most photos which appear in the newspaper in living color.
More signs with fractured English:
Hotel catering to skiers, Austria: NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION. (She hates when they take her boots.) Taken from a menu, Poland: SALAD A FIRM’S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE’S FASHION. (Thanks but I’m on a diet.) Supermarket, Hong Kong: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE. (Then, who do you complain to?) From the "Soviet Weekly": THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS. (Bet they were busy.) In an East African newspaper: A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
(Before that it was just a hole in the ground. Hope they wait before adding water.) Hotel, Vienna: IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER. (Just dart to the door screaming PANIC! PANIC!) A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. (To keep it simple; extended detailed version available upon request.) Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE. (They gotta get busy at happy hour.) An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS. (What about the Baptists?) A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. (Business is up 500%.) Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES. (Is that a full term guarantee?) Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS? (I’ve been doing it all my life at no extra charge.) The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE. (Forever plus a day.) In a Swiss mountain inn: SPECIAL TODAY – NO ICE-CREAM. (Can’t wait for tomorrow’s special.) Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Isn’t that the Southwest Airlines logo?)
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.
"I can’t do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home, but after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life. And then you show up and drink the poison!"