4/12/2006 – Editorials



By Richard Peterson

As a new bride, Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years Jack left the box alone, until Edna was old and dying.

One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to Edna and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.

"What’s the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, that’s the money I made selling the doilies."

—000—

Here are some supposedly true conversations tech support personnel have heard:

Tech Support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one.

***

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.

Tech Support: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.

Tech Support: That doesn’t sound good. I’ll make a note.

Customer: No . . . wait a minute . . . I hadn’t inserted it. It’s still on my desk . . . sorry.

***

Tech Support: Click on the "My Computer" icon on the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

***

Tech Support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male Customer: @&nbs ?#*. . . Hello . . . I can’t print.

Tech Support: Would you click on "start" for me and . . .

Customer: Listen pal, don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates!

***

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says, "Can’t fmd printer." I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can’t find it.

***

Customer: I have problems printing in red.

Tech Support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Oh! Thank you.

***

Tech Support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

***

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech Support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.

Tech Support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK

Tech Support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes.

Tech Support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah . . . that one does work.

***

Tech Support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter "V" as in Victor, then the number "7".

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

***

Tech Support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech Support: That’s not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry . . . Internet Explorer.

***

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

***

Tech Support: How may I help you?

Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.

Tech Support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have a letter "a" in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

***

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech Support: Are you running it under Windows?

Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.

The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.

***

And, last but not least…

Tech Support: Okay, Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager.

Customer. I don’t have a P.

Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech Support: "P" . . . on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!


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