2/15/2006 – Editorials

By Richard Peterson

More quotes from the Internet which have been compiled by someone with too much time on his (her?) hands:
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather
— who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
—Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.”
—Author Unknown
3) “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so?
There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
—Drew Carey
4) “The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.
At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”
—Jeff Foxworthy
5) “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.”
—Dave Barry
6) “Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
—Bob Ettinger
7) “My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’ ”
—Paula Poundstone
8) A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”
—Conan O’Brien
9) “I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’ ”
—Richard Jeni
10) “If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”
—Johnny Carson
11) “Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.
What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?”
—Warren Hutcherson
12) “Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.”
—Oscar Wilde
13) “Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.”
—A. Whitney Brown
14) “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’ ”
—Dave Barry
—000—
According to comedian Jeff Foxworthy, you might live in North Dakota if your town has an equal number of bars and churches, or if you know several people who have hit deer more than once, or if you think of the major food groups as beer, fish and venison, or if the largest traffic jam in your town centers around a high school basketball game, or if you see people wearing hunting clothes at a social event, or if there are more people at work on Christmas Eve day than on deer gun opener, or if you carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them, or if you consider Fargo exotic, or if your dad’s suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, or if you think that ketchup is a little spicy, or if you know how to correctly pronounce Medina, Cando and Hebron, or if you know all four seasons — almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, or if the sunbelt to you means Bismarck, or if your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your cottonwood, or if you can drive
65 mph through two feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.
—000—
We’ve published this “Test for Dementia” before, but it’s been a while, so maybe you’d like to take the test again.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: “bread.” If you said “toast,” then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said “bread,” go to Question 2.
2. Say “silk” five times. Now spell “silk.” What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said “milk,”
please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children’s World. If you said “water” then proceed to Question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said “green bricks,” what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said “glass,” then go on to Question 4.
4. It’s 20 years ago and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of “no man’s land” between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in “no man’s land”?
Answer: You don’t, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, “Don’t bury the survivors,” then proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator — You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swenson, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don’t you remember your own name? It was YOU!