11/30/2005 – Editorials

By Richard Peterson

Competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi swallowed 67 hamburgers in eight minutes to win $10,000 and retain his title as Krystal Square Off World Hamburger Eating Champion in Chattanooga, Tenn.
The Japanese contender fended off San Diego State University student Joey Chestnut who was tied with Kobayashi at 60 burgers each with 37 seconds left.
"If I didn’t have Chestnut pushing me, I wouldn’t have eaten so much this year," the 172-pound Kobayashi said through a translator.
Kobayashi also holds the title of hot dog eating champion after eating 49 hot dogs in 12 minutes.
I’m sure glad they weren’t invited to my place for Thanksgiving.
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I learned in Raymond Isaak’s column in the McKenzie County Farmer at Watford City that batophobia is fear of walking, nyctophobia is fear of darkness, ergophobia is fear of work, ailourophobia is fear of cats and pantophobia is fear of everything.
—000—
Sent by e-mail is Red Skelton’s recipe for a perfect marriage:
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere . . . but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though! My wife asked "What’s on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
—000—
Sent by e-mail is this advice from an old farmer:
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumblebee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered . . . not yelled.
* Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
* Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
* Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
* If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’
somebody else’s dog around.
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A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all his beer.