9/28/2005 – Editorials

By Richard Peterson

From the Internet:
Things That Took Me 30 Years to Learn
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use as His messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
15. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside, we all believe that we are above average drivers.
16. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
17. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.
18. Your friends love you anyway.
—000—
Ole had just totaled his car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, he managed to pry himself from the wreckage without a scratch and was brushing himself off when the state trooper arrived. "My goodness!" the trooper exclaimed. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK, sir?"
"Yes, officer, I’m just fine," Ole replied.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" Ole began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this tree pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree!
I swerved to the left and there was
. . ."
"Uh, sir," the officer said, cutting him off. "There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth from the mirror."
—000—
We all ask things of God in prayers. We ask for forgiveness. We ask for safety. We ask for guidance and sometimes we even ask for a little help.
But have you ever wondered what your pets might ask of God if they had the chance?
Dog’s Letters to God
Dear God: How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their priorities?
Dear God: When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God: Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on ramps?
Dear God: If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
Dear God: More meatballs and less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can’t make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again?
Dear God: Can you undo what that doctor did?
Cat’s Letter to God
Dear God: Do you exist? I’m just curious. I don’t care.