By Richard Peterson
Here are some interesting items from the Internet:
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
There are no new sins . . . the old ones just get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. It could be a right number.
Think about this . . . No one ever says "It’s only a game" when his team is winning.
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
I’ve reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
Be careful reading the fine print. There’s no way you’re going to like it.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can’t buy happiness — but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
After a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
Like me, Allen Stock at The Independent in Carrington uses items from the Internet. His column a couple weeks ago was about too much thinking.
Someone has been doing a lot of thinking as these statements testify:
I was thinking about how the status symbols of today are those mini-photos that everyone has clipped on. I can’t afford one so I’m wearing my garage door opener.
I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people don’t like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust."
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease . . . That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!
When people see my cat’s litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it’s for company."
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals in the post office? What are we supposed to do? Write to these people? Why don’t they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They are cramming for their finals.
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
The coroner tells the inspector: "First body is a 72-year-old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."
"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won $1,000 dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. He died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Ole Swenson, Norwegian from North Dakota, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives."
Don said: "I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’ ".