By Richard Peterson
These quotes for women arrived in an e-mail:
Inside every older lady is a younger lady — wondering what the hell happened. — Cora Harvey Armstrong Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies. — Cora Harvey Armstrong The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. — Helen Hayes (at 73) I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
— Janette Barber
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. — Lily Tomlin A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. — Carrie Snow Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
— Laurie Kuslansky
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first is hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. — Erma Bombeck Old age ain’t no place for sissies. — Bette Davis A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t. — Rhonda Hansome The phrase "working mother" is redundant. — Jane Sellman Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows. — Jennifer Unlimited Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. — Charlotte Whitton Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. — Caryn Leschen I try to take one day at a time — but sometimes several days attack me at once. — Jennifer Unlimited If you can’t be a good example — then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning. — Catherine When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! — Kathy Buckley I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb
— and I’m also not blonde. — Dolly Parton If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. — Sue Grafton I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on. — Roseanne Barr When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. — Elayne Boosler Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. — Maryon Pearson In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. — Margaret Thatcher I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. — Gloria Steinem I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. –Eleanor Roosevelt
From the Internet comes these supposedly real science test answers by students with the original spelling:
1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is water and gin.
5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
6. Liter: A nest of young puppies.
7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
8. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
10. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
11. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.
12. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
13. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
14. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower than the heart until the heart stops.
15. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
16. Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
17. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
18. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, ‘Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!’"
"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, ‘George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!’ "
"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."