1/19/2005 – Editorials

By Richard Peterson

By golly I was sure glad to get a flu shot early in December. I’ve gotten a flu shot nearly every year the past 10-12 years and never got the flu.
But the shot didn’t do the trick. I came down with the flu on Christmas Day and slept almost steady the next couple days. The flu turned into a persistent cough which I’ve still got. I made three trips to the doctor and took all kinds of medicine. Today (Jan. 17) I’m feeling pretty good and the cough is abating.
I haven’t felt like doing much of anything, so I can’t entertain you with interesting stories about my exciting life, which consists of going to work and going home. I have to rely on others.
This item came from Richard Bradbury’s column in the Sargent County Teller at Milnor. He stole it from his sister:
1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It’s called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss . . . The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
6: Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I’m so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn’t have to worry about a will. He said, "Will?
What will? I’m making a list of the people I want to bite."
13. Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
15. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I had any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place.
16. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
17. The early bird still has to eat worms.
18. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
19. Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
20. Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press "Ctrl Alt Delete" and start all over?
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
22. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that’s what he said.
23. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
24. Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
25. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor.
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Dean Sorlie of Maddock passed this little item on to me:
A Scandinavian boy from Duluth, Minn. named Lars had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthdays to the boat club across the lake for their first legal drink.
So when Lars’s 21st came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Lars stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned. Sven managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Lars went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he asked, "it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked into Lars’s eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January; you were born in July."