These inquiries were posted on an Australian tourism Web site and
the answers are the actual responses by the Web site officials, who
obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low
tolerance threshold for idiots!).
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have
never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (inquiry from the
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just
sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney -- can I
follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in
Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,
Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo
racing in Australia ? (USA)
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent
south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of
the Pacific, which does not . . . Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo
racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact
us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country
bordering Ger-man-y, which is . . . Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna
Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after
the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk
available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan
Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia
who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where
YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be
safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in
Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in
A: It's called a drop bear. They are so called
because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone
walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with
human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the
fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia?
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Here are some interesting quotes that came to me
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other
part of my body,"
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of
the lowest crime rates in the country."
-- Mayor Marion Barry,
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to
death by a jackass and I'm just the one to do it!"
-- A congressional
candidate in Texas
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies
manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the
environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing
-- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in
-- Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we need?"
-- Lee Iacocca
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply
exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor "Your
food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if
there is a change in your circumstances."
-- Department of Social
Services, Greenville, SC
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come
-- Keppel Enderbery
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this
jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart
throughout the night.
And the next morning, when they wake up dead,
there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler