It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart?"

When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine "Skinny."

Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.

Learn from your parents' mistakes. Use birth control.

Money isn't everything. But it keeps the kids in touch.

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeed, your skydiving is over.

Reality is only an illusion caused by a deficiency of alcohol.

Time's fun when you're having flies. -- Kermit the Frog We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Gun control: using both hands.

The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the bill collector.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS"

together it spells "Theirs?"

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's even worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . . AMEN!

---000---

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington, DC -- one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third from Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900 -- $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700 -- $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."