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EDITORIALS
By Richard Peterson I
told you last week about my cat, Sammy, and how he had taught
himself to iron my shirts. It's not a bad deal for me, although I
have to spend quite a bit of time monitoring his efforts and hanging
up the shirts after he's done ironing them. He gets quite a bit of
cat hair on the shirts, but that's no big deal because I'm generally
covered with cat hair anyway.
The thought came to me that if he can iron shirts, maybe he could
take up some of the other chores around the house. I put him up on
the sink and attempted to teach him how to wash dishes, but he
wouldn't have anything to do with getting his paws wet. If a cat
decides he isn't going to do something, you might as well accept
that decision and move on.
He's a pretty smart cat, so I decided to teach him how to drive. I
wrapped the steering wheel with old socks and taped them to the
wheel. I put him in the driver's seat, and he had no trouble
standing there on his hind legs.
His paws rested on the steering wheel and sure enough, his claws
sank into the tape, thus enabling him to turn the steering wheel. I
started the car so the power steering would kick in and told him to
turn to the left. I reached over and cranked the wheel to the left
to show him. Then I told him to turn to the right, reached over and
cranked the wheel to the right. Then I centered the steering wheel
and told him to turn to the left. By golly, he did! Then I told him
to turn to the right and it was like he had been doing it his whole
life. He cranked it to the left and then the right and then did it
over again and again. A huge grin broke over his face as he realized
he was actually steering the car.
I figured he was ready, so I reached over and put the car in drive.
"Give it some gas," I said. He turned his head to look at me with a
blank stare, wondering what to do next.
The whole project fell through when I realized he wasn't big enough
to run the steering wheel and the accelerator at the same time. I
guess it's just as well because he couldn't reach the brakes,
either. Besides, I doubt he could get a driver's license because
he's only four years old.
I don't think I'm going to teach him to cook because I don't trust
him to run the stove burners or the oven. He might try cooking
something when I'm not around to supervise and end up burning down
the house. Besides, he'd probably be sampling the food every time my
back was turned. No, we're not going to go there.
He won't have anything to do with water, so washing clothing and
dishes, cleaning the toilets, scrubbing the floors and washing
windows is out. Wife Hollys will just have to do that.
He's too small to manhandle a dust mop. I guess he could do some
dusting with a dustrag. He could even shake the dustrag if he
gripped it with his teeth, but he showed no inclination to dust even
after I showed him how. He kept running to the ironing board and
meowing for more shirts to iron.
---000---
Isabel native Roger Smith of Minot has come to the conclusion that
UND should change the nickname of its sports teams from the
"Fighting Sioux"
which is opposed by many. He figures the UND Medical School might
like the "Fighting Flu" or "Fighting Sinew." How about the "Fighting
Few?" Animal lovers might go for the "Fighting Gnu" or the "Fighting
Shrew" or the "Fighting Ewe." Plant lovers might like the "Fighting
Kudzu," "Fighting Cashew" or "Fighting Bamboo." Frat guys would like
the "Fighting Brew."
Maddock native David Hvinden asks, "Why not just change the spelling
to the Fighting Soo, that way all the Bison fans could spell it
too!"
Another Maddock native, Dean Aanderud, replies to Hvinden, "Why not
Fighting Bison II? It does kind of rhyme and fits with the same
general pattern of being a cheap imitation of what they have in
Fargo."
---000---
More on sports: A Minnesota Vikings' practice last week was delayed
for nearly two hours after a player reported finding an unknown
white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Mike Tice
immediately suspended practice while local police and federal agents
conducted an investigation.
After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the
white substance unknown to the Vikings' players and coaches was the
goal line.
Practice resumed after special agents determined that the team was
unlikely to encounter the substance again.
Sammy was disappointed when he failed his driving test.
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