|
|
EDITORIALS
By Richard Peterson
I'm moving over this week to make room for
this hilarious column by Mark Campbell in the Azel (Tex.) News which
pokes fun at competitive eating. The column took first place in the
sports column category of the National Newspaper Association's Better
Newspaper Contest for newspapers with less than 6,000 circulation.
BY MARK K. CAMPBELL
Azel (TX) News
Warning! The highly informative stuff that follows this paragraph
contains graphic words like vomit and diarrhea because I'm only going to
be able to say "retch" and "hurl" and "gastrointestinal freak-out" and
"bowels in an uproar" so many times. So, if those sorts of things bother
you, you'd best mosey over to the editorial page and read something
political that almost certainly doesn't involve body functions. Thank
you.
We begin: Did you know there is such a thing as the International
Federation of Competitive Eating? The IFOCE says it's "America's fastest
growing sport" and judging from how fat most people are, that sounds
about right.
Their official emblem is a guy hunkered over, ralphing into a trash can.
Ha! Not really! It's actually too difficult to tell what's on that
emblem at www.ifoce.com; it's either lions or horses wrapped in some
kind of noodles -- but the emblem eating record is 46 in two minutes.
Well, I made that up (I think), but there are plenty of other records
you can marvel at.
You'd think that competitive eating would be the ideal sport for us
fatties. Aside from bowling and golf, of course.
But, as you may know, the world record hot dog eater is a non-fattie, a
scrawny 132-pound Japanese guy named Takeru Kobayashi (which translates
to "hubcap-sized Mylanta").
He holds the world record of 50.5 hot dogs (with buns) eaten in 15
minutes.
He wussed out at last year's championship on Coney Island by eating just
44.5 dogs.
Watching him eat is pretty nauseating: Kobayashi dips the hot dogs in
water before eating them. The thought of all that much bread . . . ugh,
what's grosser than that?
Well this: He also holds the record for consuming cow brains. He ate 57
in
15 minutes. (I don't know what he dipped the brains in, probably
tequila.) In case you didn't know, 57 cow brains weigh 17.7 pounds.
(We could pontificate here on who originally thought of eating a cow's
brain. How hungry do you have to be?! But then we'd have to get to other
animal parts records -- like the 3.3 pounds of beef tongue a guy ate in
12 minutes. What does a taste bud taste like?) Other memorable folks are
lauded by the IFOCE.
If you're an older guy seeking an eating hero (for some reason), keep
Richard LeFevre in mind. He's 58 years old and just 135 pounds. He once
ate
6 pounds of Spam "from the can" in 12 minutes. LeFevre also wolfed down
1.5 gallons of chili in 10 minutes.
The current rage in competitive eating is shorter contests, 8-12
minutes.
But LeFevre is a "distance man" who excels in 30-45 minute events
involving "beef and other heavy foods." Astonishingly, he has a wife;
Carlene is -- shocking! -- also a competitive eater. (She created the
"Carlene Pop" which is a bobbing motion that "helps tamp down food" in
the stomach.) I'm guessing the LeFevres get few barbecue invites.
You'd think a guy named Cookie Jarvis would hold the Oreo record, but he
actually shines in other realms. Checking in at a svelte 409 pounds, he
once gulped down one gallon, 9 ounces of vanilla ice cream in 12
minutes.
But I'm more impressed with his mark of 4 pounds of corned beef and
cabbage. Surely there's a fistfight at the plumber's shop when they hear
something's stopped up at the Jarvis house.
There's another woman profiled on the Web site. Sonja Thomas was up for
the
2003 IFOCE Rookie of the Year. Despite weighing just 105 pounds, she has
ingested 5.5 pounds of deep fried asparagus in 10 minutes, 157 chicken
wings in 32 minutes, 4 pounds, 14.25 ounces of fruitcake, and 65
hard-boiled eggs in 6:40. Amazingly, she remains single.
But what if you dated her? DENNY'S WAITER: Can I help you? YOU: Get what
ever you want, Sonja. SONJA: I'd like 65 hard-boiled eggs.
And do y'all have fruitcake?
YOU: Whoa! I'll just have 6 pounds of Spam.
It's hard to say what the most remarkable record is --18 dozen oysters
in 10 minutes?? 28 reindeer sausage in 10 minutes (try finding one
reindeer sausage these days)?? 33.5 ears of corn in 12 minutes -- but my
money's on Donald Lerman.
He ate 6 pounds of baked beans in 1 minute, 48 seconds. Soon after he
set another record: The first time in history a brand new Port-a-Potty
was simply taken straight to the dump.
I know a little about big eating. I once ate 17 Dreamcicles in one
sitting.
But I'm not ready for international competition.
However, maybe you are. Check out the Web site for tournaments. But,
sorry, you just missed the pickled quail eggs competition. It was held
in Texas last month.
Hey, I made it through this whole column without saying vomit or
diarrhea.
Cool!
|
